From patriarchal pain to magnificent feminine pleasure:
My journey of uncovering an ancient female wound and alchemizing it Into a breathtaking physical and spiritual turn-on, which let me to embody an empowered intimate connection with myself and everything around me.
It’s a cold January morning in 2013. Instead of being surrounded by the love of my mother and the safety of my parents home, where I intended to be whilst giving birth, I am laying in a bed in a hospital room. The room resembles the weather I see outside, cold, bare, and frozen. It doesn't even feel like a hospital, it feels more like a prison. There is nothing cosy. The bed feels like it has plastic sheets. The bright superficial lights of the hospital are blinding me. Everything in this room is making me feel even more uncomfortable than I already am.
I am laying with my legs spread open on the leg support in this hospital room. I am deep in my soul, kinda out of my body, I am trying to focus on where my body is going, and how these contractions and expansions are carrying me in and out of different dimensions. I have felt all of this before. I know these places, and this energy, I have experienced them before as a young child.
But in this specific scenario there are people around me that I don’t know. This place (the hospital) and these people (the nurses and gynecologist) do not make me feel safe. Yet, I try hard to not focus on it and to instead be with my body.
“I wanted to have an empowered birth. I did a hypnobirthing course for fuck sakes. I know how to do this. Just give me space…”
My head is thinking it, but I don’t have the energy and power to speak the words.
The gynecologist comes and checks me. She tells me to make myself angry and to push and scream. I don’t want to do that, I want to do it my way and listen to my own body, and move and push when my body is ready. Again, I think the words, yet I am not able to speak them.
The gynecologist then tells me: “I am going to make a little cut to make way for the baby to come out faster, is that okay? I will first give you anesthetics on your next contraction and then the cut”.
Again, I want to tell them to wait, to give me a few more minutes in my own time. “I am almost there and so is the baby. I know it, I can feel it. And NO I don’t want you to cut now…”
Yet, I still can’t speak. I hear myself mumble something that sounds like “okay”… But, it doesn't sound like me. It couldn't be me. I see her pick up a huge scissor and move towards my vulva, and then it happens….
She cuts with these scissors through my vaginal lips and part of my pelvic floor…
30 seconds later I hold my newborn boy in my arms, while the gynecologist is stitching up my vagina… a 7-cm cut.
What the fuck just happened?
Giving life was not supposed to be like that!!
When I am finally left on my own, still lying in the hospital bed, I look down at my newborn boy. I feel absolutely delighted, yet at the same time overwhelmed by 36 years of not being able to express my needs and wants coming to the surface.
I had just allowed the doctors to make all the decisions for me. Even though I had committed myself to do it in my own way, I had checked out during my birth. I had decided to just trust the people that were helping me get my child into the world. And now I was left feeling completely taken out of my power.
I realised at that moment that I had been doubting myself most of my life. I had embraced the unspoken teachings; “Make yourself small, never be yourself fully, cause then you are too much”.
No wonder I felt disempowered, taken advantage of, and violated. The doctor had not only violated me physically, but by wounding me in the most fragile core of my being, she had also opened up the ancient feminine wound of deep patriarchal trauma.
And the opening of that wound brought to the surface the deep loneliness that I had felt throughout my whole life.
The kind of loneliness that came with growing up in the rough fishermen culture of my Navy town as a deeply sensitive & intuitive person - Picking up on the energies of my surroundings and not truly understanding why.
The kind of loneliness, insecurity and otherness that came with having Shamanic visions of animals that belong to middle and South America - Something that was not part of the reality where I grew up
But, lying in that hospital bed, I realized that it was not my Shamanic gifts or the rough upbringing that made me feel lonely and afraid, it was me not truly and authentically living from my authentic self, speaking my truth!
Three years after that day in the cold sterile hospital room it had become clear just how the cut in my vagina had opened a way to feel and understand the real fear in my life.
Due to the cut in my vagina my life had started to change.. I slowly started to FEEL and understand that the real fear I was feeling was a very very old female fear.
A fear that has its roots in the repression of the feminine.
A fear that has its roots in the abuse of the feminine.
A fear that has its roots in thousands of years of needing to keep yourself small, of making sure you are not being noticed, of being on guard when walking down the street on your own.
A fear that has been passed on without even being aware of.
Life suddenly seemed completely opposite of what I was told and made belief.
The opposite of the rosy fairy tale, the happily ever after.
If all of that was not enough, the opening of Pandora’s box of trauma and fear also had its backlash on my relationship.
Our sex life became a battle field, in which my body would go into either, fight, flight, freeze, or fletch mode. Creating huge arguments, frustrations and fights with my partner. Him feeling very upset, rejected and angry. As if I would turn him down on purpose.
I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Giving my body to him now caused me extreme pain. Whenever we would have sex I felt I had betrayed myself and I would just end up crying.
All I wanted was for us to be happy, to have fun and enjoy life. Be each other’s best friend AND have epic sex as well. Instead not only my body was in pain, but also my soul.
I needed help….
Then in the depths of a long forgotten memory I found my help.
Flashbacks of the many travels years before in my 20-ies, showed me the face of a Chinese woman. I remembered that shiny, wrinkly, powerful face very well. It was the face of the woman who had given me a yoni egg during my travels in the rural remote Chinese countryside.
The light in her eyes had placed a message in my soul. A message I had not understood until I found myself in the deep dark place of pain I now was in. I could only now read the message that the light in her eyes had tried to tell me 15 years before!!
“This little stone egg my dear soul, will help you find your inner ancient feminine power and magic. You carry it within yourself. All you have to do is unleash it and it is yours. This stone is merely a tool, a crutch. But don’t underestimate it… it can be a very powerful tool indeed. Use it my dear soul, listen to the whispers of your body, and once you have unleashed your power, it will change not only your own world”
The message was clear, this stone egg was going to help me find myself back. With that memory as my fuel, I went on a sexual self-exploration journey with my best secret sacred tool; the Yoni Egg. The next 6 months consisted of a long and bumpy journey. The struggles of the relationship were hard. Us not knowing how to connect, trying so hard to fit into the story that society had told us, both wanting to make it work so desperately, yet constantly hitting yet another bump of frustration and pain on the road.
Listening more to each other. Slowly opening up towards a different way of sexual connection. One in which I no longer needed to please, but where I was allowed to listen to what I wanted and what my body wanted, needed and liked. Until I was able to open up, and re-find my turn-on and pleasure.
But, despite all the work we had done to level up our sex life, our story still ended in divorce.
I cannot express how deeply painful the battle of the wounded heart feels after all the fighting, working, pushing, and actually seeing change in our sexual intimacy and still not making it.
The conditioning of feminine fear threatening to take hold, causing me to see myself as a failure for not being able to keep the family together and for not giving my husband what he desired.
“It is wrong to want things for yourself”, “it is bad to speak up as a girl”, “it as evil to want to experience pleasure and mind blowing sex for yourself”, “it is freaky to decide to go for what your soul is telling you.”
Yet the inner shaman, the inner sacred courtesan, the inner wise woman chief remained steadfast. Always within me leading me towards my power, towards my pleasure, towards my secret inner magic, showing me to not sacrifice my needs. And now I was finally able to listen....
Life will leave you scars, some may be big and in inconvenient places. Yet you have a choice in how you relate to them. My scars prepared me for what the old wise gorgeous Chinese woman had told me with her eyes; ‘You have a mission in life my dear soul! You are here to empower women, to help them transform the fears of the old into the beauty and pleasure of the new.’
Growing up in a very rough western fishermen town, embodying the spirit and sensitivity of an ancient Shaman. Having an elder place a spark of remembrance in my soul, to keep and understand. Even that day they cut my vagina, and scarred me for life. And the breaking up of the relationship with my soulmate. EVERYTHING prepared me for the mission that I have to live in this life:
Helping women to embody their body from a place of love, self-compassion, trust and turn-on, so that they can live empowered and allow their natural feminine blueprint of pleasure to flow freely through their body.
When you as a woman can live from your true authenticity, those around you prosper too.
We are all meant to be Kings and Queens living in the garden of Eden now.
It is time to transform the ancient feminine wound of deep patriarchal trauma that lives within you, so you can embody your feminine pleasure!
Everything you need lies within you.
You have the power to tap into your own turn-on and flow freely and happily.
But you don’t have to do it alone…
I am here to show you how…